Wednesday, February 13, 2013


I could think of so many analogies that would fit my current situation.....but I will just get straight to the point.  There is a section of my life----where I am so lost and so confused that I don't even see a shimmer of light near the end of the tunnel.  I am so mind is literally in knots----okay, not literally.  But when I say that I have no understanding of how to even deal with this am so far from a solution that I have decided to say "FucK It".

And honestly, I know that God doesn't want me to be a quitter.  I know that God doesn't want me to give up on 'this' relationship.  I know that there is some devilish powers in full effect right now that are working triple-overtime to keep this relationship from 'forming, healing, and growing'.  But right now----I feel like my only resolve is to walk the fuck away. 

Okay---so I am talking about my relationship with my sister.  And no---I wasnt looking to make a dramatic reveal of who it was that I was talking about.  But I guess I just get tired of talking about my sister and the lack of relationship.  I am sick and tired of it.  I am so frustrated with her and what our 'sisterhood' has come to.  I have started praying for my sister and myself.  I have started to plan out things in my head---of how I can change----how I can be better----how I can work on having a healthy relationship with my little sister.  Things we can start to do together.  Things that I was willing to do to make her happy and meet her right where she is. 

And sure-fucking-enough------------
Each day there has been some shit that pulls me further from her.  And even when I say---I can ignore that!  That is so insignificant!  The devil is hard at work to keep us apart and he is NOT going to win!  This little girl! And that is the nicest term I can apply to her at this moment.  She comes at me with some bullshit!  And it's not even what she says---because I am learning that people can and WILL say whatever the fuck they want; whether I agree with it or not.  But how she talks to me.....OH FUCK NO!  I refuse to continue to deal with her until she works her shit out and learns how to address her older sister like she has even a tiny bit of sense in that head of hers.  Fuck sense, she needs to talk to me like she has some damn respect.  This chick is so fucking quick to start hollering and yelling like her ass in a screaming match or some shit! FOR WHAT?

"Aint nobody got time for that" ~Sweet Brown  

 I am not her child.  I am not even receptive when folks get the screaming and yelling.  What the fuck is wrong with her?  I swear I have no idea and I am not EVEN going to try to figure it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, maybe in the past I acted in such a way that led her to think that she could just talk to me like I am some shit.  But its a new day!  A new year!  And the old me---she is no longer. 

Anyway, my sister always leaves me in a state of CONFUSION.  One day I am talking about forgiving until you are blue in the face.  And then today-------today-------I want to turn my back and take 1000 steps forward on her ass.  But for now, I have to make a decision to separate from my sister.  I have to stop trying as I was before.  Because she is angry and maybe hurt and her actions show it every time I interact with her.  And if I continue to deal with her in these conditions and at this capacity----I will resent her.  So, I will pray for my sister---- and pray for God to heal her heart ------and move some mountains out of her way------ so that she can learn how to interact with me, without all of the anger, and hostility, and disrespect.

Fingers crossed and hands pressed together!!!!

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