Why do we even have the choice to make decisions? I mean, I know why---but why?! Especially when most people are so inclined to make shitty decisions before they make good decisions. I mean, I was raised by a very strong woman. But my mother didn't give me the option to make decisions growing up. I think my first two real decisions were:
1. I will accept my plight and not fight the feelings that I have toward women (16 or 17 years old).
2. My other major decision was choosing the college that I received me B.S. from (17 years old).
Deciding which college to attend was a million times easier to decide compared to my first major decision. I liked boys growing up; thinking this guy was cute and that guy was cute. But aside from that, I never really had any urges to jump on a teenage boy or grown man and 'seal the deal'. Since I was about 16 or 17 years old, I have been attracted to woman---and I assure you that those feelings and desires were not of my choosing. Like, lets be for real. Who wants to feel like a freak? Who wants to be disowned or ostracized by family, friends and the community. Who wants to be mocked, belittled, judged, and condemned by so many people? Like for real!!!!!
And the thing is---I could have made the decision to be with men and live as a heterosexual woman and sweep all those feelings under the rug. And then what? I would be lying to who? Because God knows my heart and He would know that I wasn't sincere in my adoption of a 'normal'/heterosexual life. What pleasure would I be giving to God by living a lie? Being dishonest to one man or some men? Possibly starting a family out of obligation---because its my duty to 'be fruitful and multiply'? God would not honor that either! God would not give me salvation for living a lie and intentionally hurting people. He would not bless me abundantly, if I was playing with the feelings and emotions of a man--that I really didn't love.
I feel conflicted sometimes having this LESBIAN blog where I talk so much about God and being a good Christian. It seems like a contradiction. I am sure it does to outsiders and especially those 'holier than thou' Christians--that don't sin (might I add). But the fact is---there are millions of homosexual Christians. And honestly, God knows my heart. I have never been so blessed! I honestly think God loves me and blesses me and keeps me safe because I dared to be different and I dared to be myself and love myself----no matter how DIFFICULT and CHALLENGING it seemed. I think every gay person battled with their sexuality and their 'unnatural' feelings for someone of the same sex. I don't think any homosexual realized their sexuality and embraced it with open arms immediately. I don't!
But my personal feeling is that God will keep me and not damn me to hell because I am true to myself----a homosexual---in a time where being gay is so controversial, and stirs up so much hate, and causes so much dissension among people. I did not run from myself. I did not tell God that He made a mistake by giving me these feelings. I did not throw myself a pity party for being an 'outcast' or outsider. And I do not see God as this powerful man---who created all of us homos in His own image---as one who would damn us all to hell. I believe the God that I serve---who forgives a murdered and an adulterer and a thief and a liar, will forgive me of my sins as well.
It was NOT a choice. We did not ask to be this way. We have struggled with our feelings/attractions/emotions. My point is---to emphasize that it was a struggle. And that if I could have it the other way (back when I first had these feelings)----I would. And I think that is the case for most homosexuals. I struggled for a while, but then I came to terms with my sexuality and I embrace it.
I am not a perfect Christian. Not one of us is!!!! Not one!!!!! I had to say that for ALL of these pretentious ass, phony ass, hypocritical ass, judgmental ass, sinning ass Christians out here that believe they don't live in glass houses. We are all guilty of sin. Period! So, while some people may see me as a hypocrite or a contradiction, I could give a fu$k. I am a lesbian who LOVES GOD with all my heart and will try to be the best Christian that I know how to be. I will do my best to make God proud of me and my decisions---though I know He will not approve of every decision I make (whether that be my sexuality or who I lay with or how I talk to someone or the conversations I participate in).
But I thank God everyday that I answer to Him and NOT man---because God is way more kind, more loving, more forgiving, more generous, more merciful, and more understanding than the masses of man.
I think I will dedicate this entry to all the
homosexuals that are faithful Christians
---who love God and knows that God loves us back---
in spite of.