Sunday, September 30, 2012

Family Drama

I have so much shit going on with my family that its not even funny.  When I say I am so stressed and overwhelmed with these issues----its a mess.  I don't even know where to begin.  I guess all I can really say is that I am not speaking to my sister and/or she is not speaking to me.  And since we live in the same house---you can imagine how STRESSFUL and AWKWARD that can be.  I am not innocent in everything but I swear I dont like confrontation.  Its too much for me.  So I stay in my room most times or stay out of the house until its bedtime because I'd just rather avoid this situation. I dont want to see my sister, be around her, hear her voice or be anywhere she is.  Its so much!!!!!! 

So of course, the best decision for me is to move out.  And I am in the process of saving money--but I just dont want to make any irrational decision based on someone else.  I dont want to move out just to have to move back because I wasnt ready.  So anyway, some would say the best thing to do would be to make up with me sister. But at least right now---that isnt an option.

And the truth is---I dont have a great relationship with my mother either.  We have small, casual conversations, but thats about it.  I dont let her in my life.  I dont talk to my mom about anything serious.  I sometimes will vent to her about my sister but I try to do that as infrequent as possible.  I know she is stressed that my sister and I dont have a good relationship.  But what can she do about it?  And believe me ---in years past, she has done everything she could to fix our fights and ensure that my sister and I got along.  But usually---she made things 100 times worse.  Like really bad.  So, I think she has learned to just butt-out and let things take their natural course. 

Anyway, I was at a point where I wanted to reconcile with my sister but I learned that she has this huge wall up and is like she is not willing to try to make our 'sisterhood' work because of things that happened in the past---and her fear of certain things happening again.  And she is entitled to her feelings and she can make whatever decision she wants----but it has really caused me to change my thinking.  Where I was ready for us to start back talking and get along---I am no longer in that place.  My natural/fleshy self wants to say fuck her and go about my life and not look back.  I mean, she made the decision that she doesnt want to try to fix things.  She decided that she wants to live in the past and not look to the future.  She decided that whatever I did or said was unforgivable.  And I have to respect all of her decisions.  But how long do I try to be the bigger person and the big sister and the good Christian to wait around for her?  And in the meantime, she is doing some really grimy, fucked up things.  I wont go into details--because I dont want to dwell on the negative shit. 

All I can say is---I am trying to be a better person everyday.  I am trying to do things that God would want His children to do---Love thy family, Forgive as we are forgiven, Love thy enemy as thy neighbor, Do unto others and you would have others do unto you, and so forth and so on........ MY GOD!  I know that if I say fuck it----I am doing myself a disservice--even more than my sister.  I will block my blessings and I dont think I will be able to establish and maintain new healthy relationships- if I cant even make the relationship with my sister work.  And I know that I cannot change her mind or make my sister do something----but I know that whenever she decides that she wants to come back into my life----the Godly thing for me to do is to accept her and welcome her back.  I dont know if I am in that place.....I just dont.  And when I say it is causing me so much fucking stress---I get headaches most evening when I come home and she's here.  I have crazy dreams or slight nightmares about us since all this shit has been going on.  Its just a fucking mess.  So---I guess all I can do is pray for her and pray that I make the right decision when the time comes---and put the rest in God's hands. 

Pray for me!