I am sitting in the house on this Saturday night-------listening to Adele's Someone Like You and feeling like crap. I am having a very hard New Year and I am ready for some happiness, and normalcy, and even some fun. I am sad and stressed and still having a hard time dealing with the turn of events that have taken place in the last few weeks.
To make matters worse, I have now started back communicating with my ex (we were together 6 years). I guess at this point I am playing with fire and honestly, most likely, probably, making matters worst. My ex had a death in the family and I was there to be supportive of her and her family. But because I have this empty space and need for companionship and conversation and...I don't know...I have, sort of, agree to work on a platonic friendship with this woman. I don't think its a good idea because if I was dealing with a woman or still dealing with the last woman or even have a close circle of friends that I was presently interacting with----I would most likely NOT be in communication with my ex.
So, when will all of this get better? I guess I find that my blog entries are self-centered but who else can I speak so honestly and accurately about---besides, well, ME? So, I am just writing to vent, make sense of things, process things, and just use this avenue as a means of therapy or something. I love to write and I guess it would be just as effective to keep a freakin' journal-----but I don't know----maybe someone, somewhere in the world will read this----and can relate or something. I don't know.
So, the last woman that I was dealing with---the one with the child----well, I think about her a lot. I think about the good times that I had with her (honestly----I think sooooooo much about our sexual encounters and sexual experiences and even just physical contact that she and I had). I think about how I was with her. I think about that crazy roller coaster. I think about what I hated about her----well, not hated, of course, but things that just drove me crazy. Then I try to weigh things----whether I made the right decision, whether we are going to reunite in the next few months and fall in love, or if I am ever even going to see her again.
We barely speak now---a text here or very brief message there. We hardly ever speak on the phone--and when we have----its been brief. I haven't seen her since I left her apartment on December 29, 2011. And that night---she didn't even come to bed. We did Skype 1 night and that was fun. But actually that only made me miss her even more. I don't regret my decision to leave---because I know it was the very BEST decision for me.
But I feel gypped.
I feel like God has a wicked sense of humor. Or a very unique way of trying to teach me or her a lesson. While she was not right for me---and me, not understanding and flexible enough to make that situation work-----I loved her. I had plans for she and I. I miss her still and now. I yearn for her. I want to hold her all the time. I want her to hold me. We had the best sex ever! I mean----really, really good sex. I miss all of that.
I have NEVER been the type of woman that feels that it is better 'to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all'. Like what the fuck?!? Why would I want to know that feelings and then have it snatched right up from under me. I'll pass. I would rather have walked passed that person on the street, possibly met eyes, and kept on walking. I wouldn't have known what I was missing. And therefore would not be feeling the way I do now. And no, I don't think feeling this way makes me a better or stronger person. It just hurts and sucks.
Anyway, its the 3rd full week of the month and year. Hopefully, the next 3 weeks will be a lot easier and a hell of a lot better. I hope she is doing well and feeling better as the next couple of weeks go by.