Saturday, January 21, 2012

Someone Like You...

I am sitting in the house on this Saturday night-------listening to Adele's Someone Like You and feeling like crap.  I am having a very hard New Year and I am ready for some happiness, and normalcy, and even some fun.  I am sad and stressed and still having a hard time dealing with the turn of events that have taken place in the last few weeks.

To make matters worse, I have now started back communicating with my ex (we were together 6 years).  I guess at this point I am playing with fire and honestly, most likely, probably, making matters worst.  My ex had a death in the family and I was there to be supportive of her and her family.  But because I have this empty space and need for companionship and conversation and...I don't know...I have, sort of, agree to work on a platonic friendship with this woman.  I don't think its a good idea because if I was dealing with a woman or still dealing with the last woman or even have a close circle of friends that I was presently interacting with----I would most likely NOT be in communication with my ex. 

So, when will all of this get better?  I guess I find that my blog entries are self-centered but who else can I speak so honestly and accurately about---besides, well, ME?  So, I am just writing to vent, make sense of things, process things, and just use this avenue as a means of therapy or something.  I love to write and I guess it would be just as effective to keep a freakin' journal-----but I don't know----maybe someone, somewhere in the world will read this----and can relate or something.  I don't know.

So, the last woman that I was dealing with---the one with the child----well, I think about her a lot.  I think about the good times that I had with her (honestly----I think sooooooo much about our sexual encounters and sexual experiences and even just physical contact that she and I had).  I think about how I was with her.  I think about that crazy roller coaster.  I think about what I hated about her----well, not hated, of course, but things that just drove me crazy.  Then I try to weigh things----whether I made the right decision, whether we are going to reunite in the next few months and fall in love, or if I am ever even going to see her again. 

We barely speak now---a text here or very brief message there.  We hardly ever speak on the phone--and when we have----its been brief.  I haven't seen her since I left her apartment on December 29, 2011.  And that night---she didn't even come to bed. We did Skype 1 night and that was fun.  But actually that only made me miss her even more.  I don't regret my decision to leave---because I know it was the very BEST decision for me. 

But I feel gypped. 

I feel like God has a wicked sense of humor.  Or a very unique way of trying to teach me or her a lesson.  While she was not right for me---and me, not understanding and flexible enough to make that situation work-----I loved her.  I had plans for she and I.  I miss her still and now.  I yearn for her.  I want to hold her all the time.  I want her to hold me.  We had the best sex ever!  I mean----really, really good sex.  I miss all of that.

I have NEVER been the type of woman that feels that it is better 'to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all'.  Like what the fuck?!?  Why would I want to know that feelings and then have it snatched right up from under me.  I'll pass. I would rather have walked passed that person on the street, possibly met eyes, and kept on walking.  I wouldn't have known what I was missing.  And therefore would not be feeling the way I do now.  And no, I don't think feeling this way makes me a better or stronger person.  It just hurts and sucks. 

Anyway, its the 3rd full week of the month and year.  Hopefully, the next 3 weeks will be a lot easier and a hell of a lot better.  I hope she is doing well and feeling better as the next couple of weeks go by.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Time Heals All...

Sure, the title is cliche.  But its the truth.

So, I moved out from my friends house.  It was pretty hard and pretty taxing on me.  But in the days after the move, and really, ever since the move-----it's been pretty hard on me.  I don't deal well with change.  I had grown accustomed to seeing her daily and doing certain things together and having a certain level of communication, etc.  And now...all of that is different.

We had major communication issues before I moved, but they have just become more strained.  If I am dealing with a woman, I actually need some time set aside for me, time to communicate, time to spend, time to get to know one another, time to grow together, time to see if we are compatible.  I also need attention from the woman I deal with.  And this woman---doesn't have the time or attention to offer.

So, I am making a concerted effort to gradually get over this woman and move forward.  It's pretty hard because I have grown accustomed to being with her and seeing her and talking to her and loving her over the past several months.  But over time, I guess it will get easier to move on.

I'll keep you posted if anything changes or how things develop.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR: Relationships Pt 2


I am ready for 2012 because it just have to offer more blessings and prosperity and happiness than 2011. 
This blog is a continuation of my last blog entry that was written in 2011.  I want to first apologize for being long winded.  I like to believe that I usually get right to the point. 

However, I was saying so much about things that happened over a period of 8-9 months.  And I had some back stories that I thought were pertinent.  Sooooooooo.....let me get right to the point.  I started a unique relationship on March 29, 2011.  I met this girl and I guess....just maybe.....I came into the relationship with all the wrong intentions.  I first just wanted a friend-----because that is the only potential I saw in she and I.  I mean, she had/has some baggage that turned me off from being in a full, romantic relationship with her. 

So anyway, I was back and forth with her.  VERY INCONSISTENT.  As you can probably tell from my blog entries.  I say one thing----do another thing-----and then say something else.  I was very inconsistent and played with this woman's feelings in a bad way.  She was patient with me and sweet to me-----HOWEVER, her situation of being a mom and still having certain ties to her past relationship were and STILL are an issue for me. 

I thought I could put certain feelings and preconceived notions aside, reprogram my mind, and just try something completely new and out of my element.  I also told myself that I would not put my feelings into this relationship---whatever type of relationship we had.  I prepared myself to just have fun and see what happens.  I told myself that nothing could come of our relationship because I didnt want to take any further steps with this woman.  I even said that I would probably end up hurting her in the end-----knowing that she did want more of a romantic relationship and I didnt want that.

Anyway, today-----January 1, 2012-----I am miserable.  And for what?  I wasn't even in a relationship with this girl.  Well...not one with a title.  But I got my feelings hurt so bad.  I feel like I wasn't given the attention I wanted and needed.  I feel like I always had to compete with someone or something.  I feel like I wasn't a priority for her.  I feel like....I don't know.  But these past few days----since I bagged my stuff up from her apartment and moved out----have been filled with tears, and regret, and confusion, and sadness, and turmoil. 

So THANK GOD for a new year.  I am hoping to focus on ME this year and do whatever I can to make myself happy---outside of anyone else.  I was blessed with a job that a love in 2011 and I blessed with reuniting with some of my oldest friends. 

So......I am sort of excited to see what 2012 has in store for me.  I haven't thought of a single New Year's Resolution, so maybe I'll get like 5 together before the night is over.