Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Saying "Good-Bye" to 2011: Relationships Pt1

Well, I feel like my last couple of blogs have been of me complaining and gripping and whining over my situation.  Part of it was me venting and trying to make some sense of everything going on in my 'love life'----if you can even call it that. 

I think (everyday) about the decisions that I made that led me to where I am now.  I havent made the best decisions in the past couple of months.  I took a chance and tried new things---but found that those things were not good for me or the people involved.  I will make a correction to my last blog or one of the previous blogs.  I put so much emphasis on 'the child' and being with someone with a child.  I have NOW come to realize it wasnt about a child at all.

My 'friend' that I have been talking to for several months now.  It is NOT working with us.  And its NOT because she has a child.  Its because I have needs-----emotional, mental, and physical needs, that aren't being met.  People are different.  Women are different.  Some women know how to balance the responsibility of being in a relationship and being a mother, and some women don't.  My guess is that this woman, either doesn't know how to balance both or doesn't want to balance both.

I thought all this time it was because I am too selfish-----I can't share the spotlight with a child----and children just aren't my thing.  But the fact is----I work with children.  I love children.  I want to adopt children of my own----no less than 2 or 3.  So, its not that I don't like kids or wont tolerate them in my personal life.  I mean----ITS HARD.  Don't get me wrong.  For ME------it's really, really hard.  But not impossible.  And I could actually love being a parent----in my late 20's; prematurely, long long long before I'm ready. 

I could.
Because at some point in this relationship---whatever type of relationship this is------I was excited about becoming a parent to a sweet, kind-hearted, adorable, well-behaved, and very mature little girl.  Let me tell you some of my history.  When I first met this beautiful woman----who was a mother----I would go places and buy her things---odds, ends, little trinkets, food, small things that I thought she would like.  It never popped into my mind to buy for her child or ask about her child.  I wasnt worried about that.  That child was not my concern and she was nothing to me. 

I went to Victoria Secret with my 'friend' and her child.  I was buying body sprays and they were on sale  (5 for $35).  So I found 3 body sprays. I couldnt find 2 more that I liked. The salesman asked if I was going to buy "baby girl" one.  So I went to my 'friend' and asked her what body spray she would like.  Then it dawned on me that he was asking me about the child.  It never crossed my mind to ask the child if she wanted one.  She is 5 years old and was so excited about getting some 'perfume'.  My point is-----I started off not even thinking or considering the child.  She was a non-factor because as I mentioned before----I never wanted to deal with a woman with a child.  Too much----just, too much. 

Anyway, I got to a point in this relationship-----where every store I went to-----I thought about the child and what she might want and/or need.  And it wasnt that far into this relationship that I started changing my way of thinking and my mindset on DATING and being with a woman with a child.  But along these most recent months; after changing my mindset and way of thinking; this beautiful woman started ignoring my needs. 

We used to get into a fight because she would say "You want stuff, when you want it".  As if I should want things any other way.  Don't most people 'want things, when they want it'?  Anyway, I haven't heard her say that to me in months.  But she said it to me recently.  And it made me think---why would someone be so hell-bent on NOT giving the person that they are dealing with....things when they want them.  She was so mad because she said I was spoiled-----that she would maybe give me things I wanted and even needed, but more so when she thought I should have them---or just NOT when I wanted them.  And this probably seems mean and ugly---which it is------but----- she---honest to God---isn't a mean or ugly person.  She is sweet, caring, kind-hearted, friendly, loving---she's just an overall good person. 

To Be Continued.....

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