Sunday, December 11, 2011

Happy Freakin' Holidays!

Hello Good People...whoever you are.  So, if you follow my blog---then you know I am talking to/dealing with this woman that has a child.  I am sitting in the living room as they mount and decorate the Christmas tree.  I don't even know how to feel about it.

In past years, where there was Christmas tree decorating going on---I was part of it.  This year----not so much.  It sucks to say that I am in no better place this year than I was last year.  Well---that's not 100% true.  Did I mention that I started a new job at the beginning of November?  I work at an alternative school in Prince George's County, MD and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! I mean----beyond love it.  I am a teacher's assistant, but just being back in the classrooml is the best gift I could EVER, EVER ask for.  I don't know if any of you have had jobs that you hated so bad---that you had to literally peel yourself out of bed to get up. But Ive had a couple of jobs like that.  And its just a COMPLETE and ENORMOUS blessing that I have this new job---that I look forward to going to everyday.  I adore my students, I laugh all day at them, I have fun at work, my colleagues are cool as hell, and I cant complain about a single thing.  Not to say that its perfect---because nothing in life is perfect----but its the next best thing to perfection. 

So I have to apologize and take back what I said.  I am in a MUCH MUCH better place this year than I was last year.  I guess I have grown in certain areas, digressed in others, and remained level in others.  But in my personal life-----my love life-----I kinda feel like I am in the same boat.  I honestly have to say that I am NOT happy in the situation that I am in.  But I have stayed here and become complacent.  There are many great things about this situation and this amazing woman---but I am not happy.  I am often conflicted.  I am too often going back and forth on what I want to do.  If I have this many doubts and reservations----I think it is safe to say that its not the right situation for me.  And that's pretty sad.

I think I fill a void for her and she fills one for me.  I am there for her in certain ways and help her out a lot.  But I drive her crazy and stress her out most of the time.  And she gives me a place to live that is financially beneficial and a soft, warm body to hold and sleep next to every night.  But I can't deal with other aspects of this situation.  So--we are both---settling.  I regret even using that word because it sounds terrible.  And it seems untrue.  The thing is----she is a way better person than I am.  She deserves better than me.  And part of me wants her to meet someone who will love her and accept everything---every little thing she has to offer---and the other part of me wants her all to myself.  She's a catch!!!! 

I think the thing is---I am not ready to be in a relationship.  I want my own place.  I want to decorate my own tree.  I want to have my own space with all of my belongings and I want to arrange things however I see fit.  I don't know what this stuff has to do with the holidays----
I guess I want to say that I hope that all of you are in a much better situation that I am.  I hope that you are happy or find happiness very soon.  I hope that you have family and/or friends and/or loved ones that you can spend this holiday season with.  I hope you are drinking your egg nog---be it virgin or non-virgin, listening to your holiday music, decorating your trees, lighting your candles, giving your gifts, and just ending this year the best way you know how. 

Happy Holidays and Many Blessing to All!!!!

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