Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Saying "Good-Bye" to 2011: Relationships Pt1

Well, I feel like my last couple of blogs have been of me complaining and gripping and whining over my situation.  Part of it was me venting and trying to make some sense of everything going on in my 'love life'----if you can even call it that. 

I think (everyday) about the decisions that I made that led me to where I am now.  I havent made the best decisions in the past couple of months.  I took a chance and tried new things---but found that those things were not good for me or the people involved.  I will make a correction to my last blog or one of the previous blogs.  I put so much emphasis on 'the child' and being with someone with a child.  I have NOW come to realize it wasnt about a child at all.

My 'friend' that I have been talking to for several months now.  It is NOT working with us.  And its NOT because she has a child.  Its because I have needs-----emotional, mental, and physical needs, that aren't being met.  People are different.  Women are different.  Some women know how to balance the responsibility of being in a relationship and being a mother, and some women don't.  My guess is that this woman, either doesn't know how to balance both or doesn't want to balance both.

I thought all this time it was because I am too selfish-----I can't share the spotlight with a child----and children just aren't my thing.  But the fact is----I work with children.  I love children.  I want to adopt children of my own----no less than 2 or 3.  So, its not that I don't like kids or wont tolerate them in my personal life.  I mean----ITS HARD.  Don't get me wrong.  For ME------it's really, really hard.  But not impossible.  And I could actually love being a parent----in my late 20's; prematurely, long long long before I'm ready. 

I could.
Because at some point in this relationship---whatever type of relationship this is------I was excited about becoming a parent to a sweet, kind-hearted, adorable, well-behaved, and very mature little girl.  Let me tell you some of my history.  When I first met this beautiful woman----who was a mother----I would go places and buy her things---odds, ends, little trinkets, food, small things that I thought she would like.  It never popped into my mind to buy for her child or ask about her child.  I wasnt worried about that.  That child was not my concern and she was nothing to me. 

I went to Victoria Secret with my 'friend' and her child.  I was buying body sprays and they were on sale  (5 for $35).  So I found 3 body sprays. I couldnt find 2 more that I liked. The salesman asked if I was going to buy "baby girl" one.  So I went to my 'friend' and asked her what body spray she would like.  Then it dawned on me that he was asking me about the child.  It never crossed my mind to ask the child if she wanted one.  She is 5 years old and was so excited about getting some 'perfume'.  My point is-----I started off not even thinking or considering the child.  She was a non-factor because as I mentioned before----I never wanted to deal with a woman with a child.  Too much----just, too much. 

Anyway, I got to a point in this relationship-----where every store I went to-----I thought about the child and what she might want and/or need.  And it wasnt that far into this relationship that I started changing my way of thinking and my mindset on DATING and being with a woman with a child.  But along these most recent months; after changing my mindset and way of thinking; this beautiful woman started ignoring my needs. 

We used to get into a fight because she would say "You want stuff, when you want it".  As if I should want things any other way.  Don't most people 'want things, when they want it'?  Anyway, I haven't heard her say that to me in months.  But she said it to me recently.  And it made me think---why would someone be so hell-bent on NOT giving the person that they are dealing with....things when they want them.  She was so mad because she said I was spoiled-----that she would maybe give me things I wanted and even needed, but more so when she thought I should have them---or just NOT when I wanted them.  And this probably seems mean and ugly---which it is------but----- she---honest to God---isn't a mean or ugly person.  She is sweet, caring, kind-hearted, friendly, loving---she's just an overall good person. 

To Be Continued.....

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Happy Freakin' Holidays!

Hello Good People...whoever you are.  So, if you follow my blog---then you know I am talking to/dealing with this woman that has a child.  I am sitting in the living room as they mount and decorate the Christmas tree.  I don't even know how to feel about it.

In past years, where there was Christmas tree decorating going on---I was part of it.  This year----not so much.  It sucks to say that I am in no better place this year than I was last year.  Well---that's not 100% true.  Did I mention that I started a new job at the beginning of November?  I work at an alternative school in Prince George's County, MD and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! I mean----beyond love it.  I am a teacher's assistant, but just being back in the classrooml is the best gift I could EVER, EVER ask for.  I don't know if any of you have had jobs that you hated so bad---that you had to literally peel yourself out of bed to get up. But Ive had a couple of jobs like that.  And its just a COMPLETE and ENORMOUS blessing that I have this new job---that I look forward to going to everyday.  I adore my students, I laugh all day at them, I have fun at work, my colleagues are cool as hell, and I cant complain about a single thing.  Not to say that its perfect---because nothing in life is perfect----but its the next best thing to perfection. 

So I have to apologize and take back what I said.  I am in a MUCH MUCH better place this year than I was last year.  I guess I have grown in certain areas, digressed in others, and remained level in others.  But in my personal life-----my love life-----I kinda feel like I am in the same boat.  I honestly have to say that I am NOT happy in the situation that I am in.  But I have stayed here and become complacent.  There are many great things about this situation and this amazing woman---but I am not happy.  I am often conflicted.  I am too often going back and forth on what I want to do.  If I have this many doubts and reservations----I think it is safe to say that its not the right situation for me.  And that's pretty sad.

I think I fill a void for her and she fills one for me.  I am there for her in certain ways and help her out a lot.  But I drive her crazy and stress her out most of the time.  And she gives me a place to live that is financially beneficial and a soft, warm body to hold and sleep next to every night.  But I can't deal with other aspects of this situation.  So--we are both---settling.  I regret even using that word because it sounds terrible.  And it seems untrue.  The thing is----she is a way better person than I am.  She deserves better than me.  And part of me wants her to meet someone who will love her and accept everything---every little thing she has to offer---and the other part of me wants her all to myself.  She's a catch!!!! 

I think the thing is---I am not ready to be in a relationship.  I want my own place.  I want to decorate my own tree.  I want to have my own space with all of my belongings and I want to arrange things however I see fit.  I don't know what this stuff has to do with the holidays----
I guess I want to say that I hope that all of you are in a much better situation that I am.  I hope that you are happy or find happiness very soon.  I hope that you have family and/or friends and/or loved ones that you can spend this holiday season with.  I hope you are drinking your egg nog---be it virgin or non-virgin, listening to your holiday music, decorating your trees, lighting your candles, giving your gifts, and just ending this year the best way you know how. 

Happy Holidays and Many Blessing to All!!!!

Not In Control

Are we really in control of anything in this life?

I guess I CAN control certain decisions I make. 

But what about the big stuff?

I cant control who I meet or dont meet.  I cant control who I fall in love with.  I cant control if someone will hire me for the job I want.  I cant control other people. 

I wish I was more in control of my situation; More in control of what happens and doesnt happen to me.  

My Talk With Poo & Fake Lesbians

Poo is my 'ex' best friend.  We have known each other since I was 10 years old.  That was 17 years ago.  I have known this chick for the majority of my life.  There have been gaps of time where there was no communication.  The time when I left PG County public schools at the end of 9th grade.  Then again in like 2003 for about a year or so.  Then again in like 2005.  We have been back in touch with each other since 2010 and things have been going well.  I love this girl.  She is like my family.  I am closer to her than most of my family. 

So that's the history about me and Poo.  So....last night we were on the phone talking about random things.  Some of those things were our childhood, childhood friends, The L Word, sexuality, so much.  It was a great conversation.  I love that I can talk to her about everything.  I mean---I feel like I can talk to her about everything; good things, bad things, embarrassing things, crazy things, my mom, my strained relationships, and even when I'm pissed at her.  We weren't always like this---but I am blessed that our relationship is what it is today.

I call her mother my aunt.  I just spend last weekend with her and her mother---decorating my aunt's Christmas tree and having dinner together.  Good times---really good times.  So, that weekend made me sad a little bit.  Because I don't have a close relationship with my mother, like Poo has with her own.  I talked to my aunt for hours---and we can also talk about everything.  I asked my Aunt about her new marriage; if she's happy, if it's hard, does she love it, would she recommend marriage, about raising children, being a single mom, so many things.  She loves God, she give me great advice, and she loves me in spite of my sexuality.  She is very into her religion and faith, but she doesn't treat me any different since I came out to her about a year ago---not really sure when. 

I have digressed.  So, I am not sure what I wanted to blog about.  But Poo and I had a great talk last night.  I am watching the second half of season 7 of Grey's Anatomy and I was disgusted and bothered.  I like to think the show is so progressive for having a lesbian couple who is going the distance for one another.  They were like the model relationship for a long time.  The 1 chick 'Arizona' leaves to do work in Africa and her woman 'Cali' (not sure of the spelling) stayed in Seattle.  So Cali commences to fucking this male doctor and gets pregnant.  And now Arizona must step up and be parent to this child that her girlfriend conceived with someone else.  What a fucking gyp.  Maybe I am so upset because realistically, most of these fake ass women who claim to be lesbians, are actually getting dicked down by men and still fucking women too.  Its gross and its offensive.  If you are lesbian----you are a woman who likes other women.  If you are a woman who is having sex with both men and women---you are NOT a lesbian.  The thing is---its probably true.  More times than not---women who claim to be lesbian, are still getting dicked down by men.   Which is so insulting to real lesbians who only have sex with other women.  FAKE ass lesbians put real lesbians at risks for all sorts of diseases because they are getting penetrated by dick and then allowing some women (real lesbian) to go behind that dick.

I guess I sound crazy.  Maybe bitter.  I dont know. But I think about meeting feminine lesbians---because feminine lesbian women are so fucking beautiful and appealing, and then I get disgusted at the idea that they are claiming to be lesbian but really like dick.  And these women who say that they dont identify with labels and they just love whoever they love---thats a fucking mess.  What the fuck do you mean you dont identify with a label?  Either you like dick or pussy or both or neither.  What is so hard about that?

The crazy thing is---I haven't had to deal with the before mentioned scenario.  But my ex did.  And she gave me hell for it.  Always thinking I was going to start liking and fucking dudes.  Which I never have.  She was so scarred because her ex cheated on her with a guy---got knocked up---and then she took the cheating bitch back.  That's her problem, not mine.  But why cant women just be honest with the person they are dealing with and themselves?  If you take dick---why not just be honest and say you take dick?  Why say you dont identify with labels?  Why do you think you get to call yourself a lesbian when you are NOT?

So my best friend (Pootah) was in a similar situation.  This is not the same girl as Poo.  Also, I guess its important to say that Pootah is a dominant female; she dresses like a boy.  So anyway, she dated this ignorant ass girl with 3 kids.  Thats a big ass, glaring red flag for me.  So my best friend dated this girl and the girl was still having sex with her child's father.  I would actually expect that in a situation like that.  If the bitch has 3 kids by 2-3 different men----its pretty clear that she likes men and dick. 

Is there somewhere, where I can meet a genuine lesbian, that actually likes women and only women?  That hasn't been fucking men for years and wont go back to fucking men in the future?  I am not so ignorant to think that lesbians cant pass diseases to one another.  But the chances are far more slim compared to sex with men.  And please don't assume that I dont like men.  Because I do like men.  They are cool with me.  I just don't want to fuck them or be in a relationship with them.  I like women. I have always liked women.  I like a woman's anatomy, the feel of her soft skin, the smells of a woman, the smell of pussy, how woman have significantly less body hair than men, how women are nurturing, how women are beautiful, how women are sweet, emotional, and all that other good stuff. 

Soooooo over fake ass lesbians (and bi-sexuals).