So I googled 'Guts' because I realized that I did not incorporate any pictures in my last blog; and I saw the grossest shit EVER!. I watch shit like Snapped and The Channel formerly known as Discovery Health. I dont have a weak stomach at all. But that shit I saw was ugh! Super nasty!
Anyway, I am following up with my last blog. I dont even know why the hell I am writing this blog. Like, why keep a public ass diary? But I dont know---I guess I will continue to write until I get some followers or some feedback or something; Hell, I dont know.
But I say 'Stick to Your Gut' because most of the time----when you really, really feel strongly about something----and you've felt that way for a decade or more----then you are probably right about your feelings.
I feel like a flake. I believe everything that I said in the above sentence-----BUT-----I mean, we as people are ever changing, right? We change like the air blows. We change or tastes in food, people, social events, habits, everything. If someone loved smoking for 10 years and knew they loved it----should they not attempt to stop smoking at year 11, if they so choose? I dont see why not? But this situation is a little different. Is it safe to say 'Stick to Your Gut' in most situations but also be flexible in others?
Say something like, "I would NEVER date a girl with freckles because they are so ugly". I mean, I think this is one of those situations where maybe you could be flexible. Freckles do not play such a significant role in a relationship that it would cause people to break up.
I am not opposed to interracial dating and so that would be another thing that I think people could be flexible about. But then again---someone who is dead set against dating outside of her race---where a lady may acquire a physical attraction to someone of another race-----I dont think that physical attraction would be enough to make the interracial relationship work; especially when things such as family outings, birthdays, cookouts, clubs, and other everyday things would pose a conflict because each person is used to doing things a whole different way and with a whole different group of people. I hope that made an once of sense.
So, I think I have to stick to my gut. I met this beautiful---amazing----gold-hearted woman with a child. I saw her and my hormones went crazy. We talked and spent time together and Ive grown to adore her. But raising someone else's child---being around a child in all of my free time------being a role model when I have no interest in doing so------spending money on my lady and her child------becoming part of a family that I feel like I dont belong------going to Ice-capades and freakin' children's shows when I want to see rated R flicks--------fighting with my lady because she is raising her child in a way that is opposite to how I imagined raising my children------having to deal with the child's other parent and grandparents--------having to wake up at the ass crack on Saturday mornings for no fucking reason-------no being able to be spontaneous because we cant get a sitter----------having to make sure that every dinner meal has greens because the child needs her vegetables--------having to answer one million questions because children are so damned inquisitive--------having to ride about in my car with a child seat in the back (when I dont even have a child)------having to take a back seat because the child will always come first------having to realize that if some natural disaster happened or some house fire happened, my lady would ultimately check for her child before checking on me--------having to be grown up because no one wants to deal with a whinny child and whinny girlfriend---------having to always come second in someone's life eventhough they are first in yours--------having to give twice as much of yourself in a relationship (not only to my lady but her child also)-------not being able to be selfish----not being able to want what I want, when I want it-------having to sneak hugs and kisses and tokens of affection---------having to say Kierra and her "G-F" instead of girlfriend-----having to NEVER had sex because the kids a cock blocker------not being able to do the things I want to do, when I want to do them.
And yes! I probably sound selfish as hell. I am! I know I am. But I havent been selfish in about 6 years. I havent put myself first. I have put my wants and needs first. I havent considered what makes me happy in 6 years. I was in a relationship---where there was no child. And I gave so much of myself. So much that I lost myself in that relationship.
And frankly, I refuse to give that much of myself to anyone again. Especially when what I have to offer, cannot be reciprocated. For some people, being with a woman OR man that has 1 or more children is like having the moistest three-layer chocolate cake with an ice cold glass of milk. For me, not so much. I gave it a chance and I dont like it. I am not happy. I am losing myself all over again.
This time I will fight to maintain my identity and fight for me and what makes me happy.