Sunday, November 20, 2011

Reprogram the Mind

Hello good people.  The holiday season is here and I am in turmoil, but I will explain that in a future blog. 

The title is "Reprogram the Mind".  To reprogram or NOT to reprogram????...that is the question.  I am dating a woman.  I guess you can call it dating.  I think its more serious than that.  Okay, a lot more serious than that.  We have been talking for several months now and I love her. 

So whats the problem, you ask?  I have programmed my mind since I was 15 or 16 years NEVER to..or deal with anyone with a child.  Its too much stress and pressure and a hassle. 

Whats the big deal, you may ask!
Well, when there is constantly a child around---One must do the following:

~Censor all conversations---so that they are child appropriate.
~Censor all music --------so that it is child appropriate.  I am not one for hearing a 4 year old sing anything that isnt about farm
~Censor what I watch on tv----
~Censor everything I say out of my mouth and everything I do.

When a child is around, I feel like it is my duty to be a role model, be responsible, set a good example. 
When a child is around, I feel like I cannot be myself...especially when its someone else's child.

You probably can't tell from reading the above paragraphs, but I actually love children.  Its just that I dont love raising a child at this present moment.  I am 27 and I can barely take care of myself.  I still want to have fun, come home late, be irresponsible at times, listen to my rap and hip hop music UNCENSORED, curse when I talk, and do whatever the hell it is that I WANT to do. 

I could do what I want to do around children but I respect them to much.  I feel like you have to be mature, set a good example, and monitor what you expose a child to.  A lot of adults do whatever the hell they want in front of children, but I feel like that is dead wrong.  I am not one to sit and watch a rated R movie with a 10 year old....I think thats ludicrous!  I think pop, country, some R&B, and old school music is appropriate for young children.  While I am Lil Wayne's biggest fan---I dont think any child should be exposed to any of his music---except maybe "How to Love".  I am neurotic about what children are exposed to and because of that---I would rather wait until I am in my late late 30s or early 40s before I even consider being a parent.  There is too much that I want to do and see and say and experience.  And most of those things are not kid-friendly.   (gay cruise, go to clubs, travel at a moments notice, hang out on a week night with friends, go see movies that are rated PG-13 and R, sit at a bar and have some drinks, just enjoy my 20's)

Dating this woman----with a child----is a huge adjustment.  If I love the woman, I must also love the child.  If I do for this woman, I must also do for the child.  Some people are equipped to deal with such a situation.  I am not sure I am prepared to deal with this. 

Should I reprogram my mind and focus on the great things that come with dating a woman with a child?  Like what, you may ask? 
Having a family
Forcing myself to grow up and be responsible
Having a kid love you and look up to you and mimic everything you do

I apologize for being all over the place.  But that is what I feel like most of the time.  Like I am all over the place.  So confused.  Happy one second---irritate the next----frustrated----excited------a ball of emotions that I cannot control.  I love this woman.  I love her child.  But there is so much other things involved.

This woman conceived her child with a man.  She did not have this baby with another woman.  So...not only is the woman apprehensive about exposing her child to her lesbian lifestyle, but the father would not be very accepting of it either.  This means I have to limit what I do in front of the child.  I cannot hold this woman or kiss her on the lips, in front of this child. 

There are many other things that I have to compromise to be with this woman.  So I am wondering should I be more open-minded and reprogram my previous thoughts.  This woman loves me unconditionally.         She treats me good.                               She is flexible and compromising.                   She wants to include me in family things and have me be a part of her life.                          She has a heart of gold.                           She's monogamous.                  She's a good catch.  

She just has some excess baggage that makes this a good situation, but not the ideal situation.  I have to decide now whether I can jump into this situation with an open-mind and open heart.  I have to decide if this situation is just right for me or too much for me. I have to decide if I will be a good influence and role model to this child.  I have to decide if this situation offers me the stability and happiness that I NEED in my life.

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