Monday, November 28, 2011


So I googled 'Guts' because I realized that I did not incorporate any pictures in my last blog; and I saw the grossest shit EVER!.  I watch shit like Snapped and The Channel formerly known as Discovery Health.  I dont have a weak stomach at all.  But that shit I saw was ugh! Super nasty!

Anyway, I am following up with my last blog.  I dont even know why the hell I am writing this blog.  Like, why keep a public ass diary?  But I dont know---I guess I will continue to write until I get some followers or some feedback or something; Hell, I dont know.

But I say 'Stick to Your Gut' because most of the time----when you really, really feel strongly about something----and you've felt that way for a decade or more----then you are probably right about your feelings. 

I feel like a flake.  I believe everything that I said in the above sentence-----BUT-----I mean, we as people are ever changing, right?  We change like the air blows.  We change or tastes in food, people, social events, habits, everything.  If someone loved smoking for 10 years and knew they loved it----should they not attempt to stop smoking at year 11, if they so choose?  I dont see why not?  But this situation is a little different.  Is it safe to say 'Stick to Your Gut' in most situations but also be flexible in others? 

Say something like, "I would NEVER date a girl with freckles because they are so ugly".  I mean, I think this is one of those situations where maybe you could be flexible.  Freckles do not play such a significant role in a relationship that it would cause people to break up. 

I am not opposed to interracial dating and so that would be another thing that I think people could be flexible about.  But then again---someone who is dead set against dating outside of her race---where a lady may acquire a physical attraction to someone of another race-----I dont think that physical attraction would be enough to make the interracial relationship work; especially when things such as family outings, birthdays, cookouts, clubs, and other everyday things would pose a conflict because each person is used to doing things a whole different way and with a whole different group of people.  I hope that made an once of sense.

So, I think I have to stick to my gut.  I met this beautiful---amazing----gold-hearted woman with a child.  I saw her and my hormones went crazy.  We talked and spent time together and Ive grown to adore her.  But raising someone else's child---being around a child in all of my free time------being a role model when I have no interest in doing so------spending money on my lady and her child------becoming part of a family that I feel like I dont belong------going to Ice-capades and freakin' children's shows when I want to see rated R flicks--------fighting with my lady because she is raising her child in a way that is opposite to how I imagined raising my children------having to deal with the child's other parent and grandparents--------having to wake up at the ass crack on Saturday mornings for no fucking reason-------no being able to be spontaneous because we cant get a sitter----------having to make sure that every dinner meal has greens because the child needs her vegetables--------having to answer one million questions because children are so damned inquisitive--------having to ride about in my car with a child seat in the back (when I dont even have a child)------having to take a back seat because the child will always come first------having to realize that if some natural disaster happened or some house fire happened, my lady would ultimately check for her child before checking on me--------having to be grown up because no one wants to deal with a whinny child and whinny girlfriend---------having to always come second in someone's life eventhough they are first in yours--------having to give twice as much of yourself in a relationship (not only to my lady but her child also)-------not being able to be selfish----not being able to want what I want, when I want it-------having to sneak hugs and kisses and tokens of affection---------having to say Kierra and her "G-F" instead of girlfriend-----having to NEVER had sex because the kids a cock blocker------not being able to do the things I want to do, when I want to do them.

And yes!  I probably sound selfish as hell.  I am!  I know I am.  But I havent been selfish in about 6 years.  I havent put myself first.  I have put my wants and needs first.  I havent considered what makes me happy in 6 years.  I was in a relationship---where there was no child.  And I gave so much of myself.  So much that I lost myself in that relationship.

And frankly, I refuse to give that much of myself to anyone again.  Especially when what I have to offer, cannot be reciprocated.  For some people, being with a woman OR man that has 1 or more children is like having the moistest three-layer chocolate cake with an ice cold glass of milk.  For me, not so much.  I gave it a chance and I dont like it.  I am not happy.  I am losing myself all over again.

This time I will fight to maintain my identity and fight for me and what makes me happy.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Reprogram the Mind

Hello good people.  The holiday season is here and I am in turmoil, but I will explain that in a future blog. 

The title is "Reprogram the Mind".  To reprogram or NOT to reprogram????...that is the question.  I am dating a woman.  I guess you can call it dating.  I think its more serious than that.  Okay, a lot more serious than that.  We have been talking for several months now and I love her. 

So whats the problem, you ask?  I have programmed my mind since I was 15 or 16 years NEVER to..or deal with anyone with a child.  Its too much stress and pressure and a hassle. 

Whats the big deal, you may ask!
Well, when there is constantly a child around---One must do the following:

~Censor all conversations---so that they are child appropriate.
~Censor all music --------so that it is child appropriate.  I am not one for hearing a 4 year old sing anything that isnt about farm
~Censor what I watch on tv----
~Censor everything I say out of my mouth and everything I do.

When a child is around, I feel like it is my duty to be a role model, be responsible, set a good example. 
When a child is around, I feel like I cannot be myself...especially when its someone else's child.

You probably can't tell from reading the above paragraphs, but I actually love children.  Its just that I dont love raising a child at this present moment.  I am 27 and I can barely take care of myself.  I still want to have fun, come home late, be irresponsible at times, listen to my rap and hip hop music UNCENSORED, curse when I talk, and do whatever the hell it is that I WANT to do. 

I could do what I want to do around children but I respect them to much.  I feel like you have to be mature, set a good example, and monitor what you expose a child to.  A lot of adults do whatever the hell they want in front of children, but I feel like that is dead wrong.  I am not one to sit and watch a rated R movie with a 10 year old....I think thats ludicrous!  I think pop, country, some R&B, and old school music is appropriate for young children.  While I am Lil Wayne's biggest fan---I dont think any child should be exposed to any of his music---except maybe "How to Love".  I am neurotic about what children are exposed to and because of that---I would rather wait until I am in my late late 30s or early 40s before I even consider being a parent.  There is too much that I want to do and see and say and experience.  And most of those things are not kid-friendly.   (gay cruise, go to clubs, travel at a moments notice, hang out on a week night with friends, go see movies that are rated PG-13 and R, sit at a bar and have some drinks, just enjoy my 20's)

Dating this woman----with a child----is a huge adjustment.  If I love the woman, I must also love the child.  If I do for this woman, I must also do for the child.  Some people are equipped to deal with such a situation.  I am not sure I am prepared to deal with this. 

Should I reprogram my mind and focus on the great things that come with dating a woman with a child?  Like what, you may ask? 
Having a family
Forcing myself to grow up and be responsible
Having a kid love you and look up to you and mimic everything you do

I apologize for being all over the place.  But that is what I feel like most of the time.  Like I am all over the place.  So confused.  Happy one second---irritate the next----frustrated----excited------a ball of emotions that I cannot control.  I love this woman.  I love her child.  But there is so much other things involved.

This woman conceived her child with a man.  She did not have this baby with another woman.  So...not only is the woman apprehensive about exposing her child to her lesbian lifestyle, but the father would not be very accepting of it either.  This means I have to limit what I do in front of the child.  I cannot hold this woman or kiss her on the lips, in front of this child. 

There are many other things that I have to compromise to be with this woman.  So I am wondering should I be more open-minded and reprogram my previous thoughts.  This woman loves me unconditionally.         She treats me good.                               She is flexible and compromising.                   She wants to include me in family things and have me be a part of her life.                          She has a heart of gold.                           She's monogamous.                  She's a good catch.  

She just has some excess baggage that makes this a good situation, but not the ideal situation.  I have to decide now whether I can jump into this situation with an open-mind and open heart.  I have to decide if this situation is just right for me or too much for me. I have to decide if I will be a good influence and role model to this child.  I have to decide if this situation offers me the stability and happiness that I NEED in my life.