Sunday, June 12, 2011

Leave Your Toothbrush At Home!!!

So, I attended a meeting of Black-American Lesbians, last weekend.  This was my first time ever attending something like this.  The meeting was interesting and I learned some new things.  One thing that I learned was that lesbians have a stereotype of: MOVING TOO FAST.  The discussion went on to say that lesbians meet one day and the next day they are living together, raising a family, and sharing a joint bank  I had never heard of this stereotype before this meeting.  I guess I was too wrapped up in myself to see and hear what was going on in the community as a whole.

And of course, none of this is to say that the stereotype of true.  I dont know what most women are doing now days, when they meet and get to know one another.  I can only speak for myself.  And as of right now....I met the young woman.  When we first started getting to know one another, I told myself that I am just looking to make new friends.  I mean, come on, I just ended a 6 year relationship.  I would be crazy to jump right into another one. 

So, I got to know some new people and met some beautiful women.  All the while, telling myself, this single life is 'where it's at'.  I mean, its nice to have options, to talk to more than one person, to be mentally stimulated by different women with different mind-sets and thought patterns.  I was excited about meeting new women and being free to do whatever I wanted.  I was looking for friendship and nothing more.

But then I met this woman.  Not only did I meet this woman, but I fell for her.  And the kicker is....she has a child.  I told myself---from as far back as I can remember----that I wouldn't deal with a woman with a child.  I mean, to me, its too much of a responsibility and commitment.  I wouldn't only be thinking about she and I, but I would have to consider this other little life as well.  And I kept that mindset because I didn't feel like I would ever be ready for that.  I am a selfish, spoiled woman. I want things my way or the highway. 

But back to the topic at hand.  So, I meet this woman--let's just say---on a Tuesday.  And by Friday, I was a frequent house guest.  I was seeing her almost daily.  I was talking to her constantly.  I mean, I guess I am part of this stereotype about lesbians.  I say all of this to say:

What is too fast?
How do you gauge love?
Who determines what is long or short enough?
If I wait for 365 days or more, does that guarantee me that my heart wont get broken?
What is this issue and idea with time?

The way I see all of this, is that, I am not in a hurry.  But also, tomorrow isnt promised.  So, while I may want to wait 2 months before I feel my lips on hers, what the fuck for?  Why torture myself and her?  If I want to kiss her, why shouldn't I?  Is it healthy to always have in the back of your mind that 'we cant be intimate because its only been 5 weeks'?  Or is it healthy to say that 'I can't say I love you'...even though I am about to explode....because it hasnt been long enough?

What the hell is long enough anyway?

And to offer the other perspective....I know it takes time to get to know a person.  I know that its unhealthy practices to be having sex with people you dont know.  I know it takes time to build trust.  

So, I guess my concern is, should I feel bad about this stereotype about lesbian women?  Should I feel bad that I fall into this stereotype?  Sometimes, I taunt myself.  Sometimes I think, "You just got out of a relationship.  What is the hurry?"  Sometimes I ask myself, "What have you gotten yourself into? You barely know this woman".  Sometimes I tell myself, "Girl, you are crazy!"  But the other 80% of the time, I am just enjoying the moments.  I enjoy getting to know this woman.  I enjoy loving her and her child.  I enjoy how much she loves me.  I enjoy that even though we havent know each other for that long, I am comfortable enough to show her the real me.  

I am to the point where, when it comes to love and loving someone and letting that someone love you back, I CAN'T worry about tomorrow or 2 years from now.  I feel like loving someone is healthy.  I think it makes you happy.  I think it helps you to live longer.  I think loving someone and letting them love you back----helps you to get through the hard parts of the day.  I dont see why it would be wrong to give your love to someone and have them love you in return. 
 So, I jumped out there.  I am taking a chance.  I am allowing myself to love this girl and I am committing to this girl, even though I dont know every detail about her.  It's kind of exciting that I don't.  Part of the fun is learning new things about her daily.  Part of the fun is seeing how we deal with conflict.  Part of what is so great is that we are both taking a chance.  

Plus, what is the worse that can happen?  We break up.  Okay....been there, done that.  And I am still alive and stronger than ever.  So, in the event that things don't work out (which I am not anticipating or planning), I will be okay.  So, I don't believe in putting limits and time constraints on how soon I can love and commit to a woman. 

**The words and thoughts on this blog are all my own, based on my thoughts and experiences.  The pictures do not belong to me, nor do I own any rights to any of the pictures on this blog**

New Found Freedom!!!

Hello people.  So, I just confessed about the hardships of breaking up.  I mean, we all go through it.  We have all dealt with break-ups and some are easier than others.  So, after the break-up, there's a whole new can of warms to deal with.

After adjusting to sleeping alone every night, after losing my dependency on my ex, after all the tears shed, what is next?  I will tell you what is next.  Living your damn life.  Making hard decisions.  Doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do.  And that is exactly what I did.  I took steps in directions that I never did before.  I took leaps of faith and hoped for a positive outcome.  I couldnt be afraid of any and everything anymore.  I was alone and had to learn to adjust to my independence.  I started getting on the computer more, putting myself out there more, talking to strangers (oh my), and meeting new people.  I applied for school, I stopped emotional eating, and I took risks.  I felt like, what the fuck did I have to lose? 

I did not want to even think about meeting other women or getting into a new relationship.  I was more interested in making new friends.  Especially since I pushed all my real friends away, while I was in that toxic relationship.  I was interested in meeting people/women with similar interest.  I was interested in going back to school for my Masters.  I was thinking about doing positive things for myself.  Because in that last relationship, I was more worried about taking care of my girl than taking care of me.  I was more concerned that she was happy and content and had everything she needed and wanted.  My wants and needs and desires and goals, all took a back seat to that relationship.  So now, it was time for me to start to remember that I had once set goals for myself.

So, after the break up comes a bit of freedom.  I was free to come, go, stay, and do whatever the hell I wanted to do. I didnt have to consider anyone else.  I didnt have to worry about my exes schedule and if I should be picking her up soon.  This new found freedom was kind of fun and exciting; Its even better when you know what to do with it.  

I was free to admire other women without feeling any guilt.  I was free to talk on the phone to whoever I wanted.  I was free to make plans and not feel guilty for them.  I was free to come and go as I damn well pleased.  It was nice.  And I recommend that anyone dealing with a break enjoy your new found freedom.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The big Break-Up!!!

Hello to anyone reading this.  Its been 5 months since I last posted a blog.  So let me get to the point.  I was in a relationship with a woman...for 6 long years.  And since my last post, we have broken up.  Being with someone----almost day in and day out for 2,190 days---is a long ass time.  And it was hard.  The break up was hard.  Adjusting to being single was hard.  Not seeing this woman every day was hard.  Breaking up is a hard thing to do. 

Even when you know that you are with the wrong person.  Even when you know you and your partner have not been seeing eye to eye for years.  Even when you are no longer intimate with the person.  Even when you cant see a future with that person.  Breaking up is just a hard thing to do.  Its an experience that forces you to be independent, strong, and constantly evaluating yourself. 

When I broke up with my was an ending poing and a starting point for me.  I was closing a chapter in my life that lasted for quite some time.  I not only had to separate from her, but from her family, a place I called home, friends that we made together, places that we frequented together.  It was a huge separation!!!! 

But I was also forced to learn how to be alone again.  I was forced to learn to be independent---make my own decision without the help of my girlfriend.  When I experienced a happy moment, I had to soak it up by myself.  I couldnt call her anymore--as I was used to doing for 6 years.  When I experienced a sad or trying moment, I had to deal with it the best way I knew how.  I couldnt call her and have her give me great advice or make it all better.  I had to learn to love myself all over again.  I had to learn to do things as a single.  I had to learn to think as a single person. No more grocery shopping for the things I love and the things I hated that she loved. 

So, of course---its so easy for me to talk about this now that I have been out of that relationship for some months now.  Before, I wouldnt have been able to do it.  I was sad knowing that I wouldnt be able to see her everyday; sleep with her every night; do the things that I had been accustomed to doing with her for all those years.  That was the hardest part for me.  Letting go of the familiar.  So....I had to get used to uncharted territory----developing new habits, getting to know new people, living in a new place, all things new. 

So, I guess the only way to end this is to say that I have adjusted quite nicely to life without my ex and I am a better person for it.