Saturday, November 28, 2015

I BEEN GONE FOR A MINUTE... (in my Lil Kim voice)

Feels great to be back because I should have never stopped writing.  I guess in some ways, I really didn't.

Since 2013, which was one of my last posts, I have cut off and regrown my hair, got married, had a baby....

No, I'm joking.  What I really did was: cut and regrow my hair, I started and finished my Master's program, I left my old job, went back to that job, and left it again, and I think that about sums it up.

When I was in school (taking my online classes), I wrote, and wrote, and wrote.  But the topics weren't optional and the research was a killer.  So I did write a lot, but not for leisure.





While earning my Master's Degree in Human Services Counseling, with a concentration in Marriage & Family, was one of my greatest accomplishments in life, I still don't feel fulfilled.  I am not living out my passion.  I don't even feel like I am doing the work that God called me to do.

When I think about my hobbies and what I love to do----my mind goes blank.  Or it goes to work, and SPECIFICALLY certain kids that I teach. Life has to be more than just work.  Everyone should have hobbies and areas of interest that are outside their scope of work.  And I have worked and neglected my social life for so long, that I don't even know what it is that I like to do.  I can't think of things that I am great at, because my energy has been wasted on being a damn couch potato and not much more. 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

THANK YOU GOD!


1. I am thankful for a mother and father---I probably even take that for granted at times because everyone isn't blessed to have both parents.  Some people's parents were taken from them prematurely.

2. I am thankful for my training today.  It was a great experience and so peaceful.

3. I am thankful for Ms. Cherry and Mr. Buchanan.  I am blessed to have an amazing team to work with.  We work well together. We have excellent communication.  We build on each other's strengths and weaknesses--I hope I said that correctly.  They make it a pleasure to come to work each day.  I never really worked this well with a team before, and that is a blessing in itself.

4. I am thankful for the sun and the sky and the clouds.  Most morning, I am overjoyed to see the sunrising through the clouds.  It makes me smile.  It makes me feel good inside.  It lets me know that God is real and gives us big and small miracles each day---like sunshine and bright skies.

5. I am thankful for the ability to walk.  I was in a horrible car accident in 2007---where I had to be removed from my car with the Jaws of Life.  By the grace of God, I only suffered a broken leg.  And though I had to learn to walk all over again and had to learn some hard life lessons during that period in my life---it is all behind me. And I am a better person on this side of it.  And I don't require a walker, or assistance or even have a limp from that challenging experience.  I do, however, have a metal rod in my leg...lol.




6. I am thankful for a place to live.  Sunday, I went with the church that I attend to donate clothes and toiletries and shoes and sandwiches and waters and even stuffed animals to this homeless shelter, on D St NW.  It was so fulfilling to see those men unload their cars and help me unload my car with all of those donated items for the less fortunate.  It was even more fulfilling to see those people, no less than 50, flock to those piles of items and get what they needed.  Some things were probably too big and other were probably too small.  Most of them even said "Thank You" and "God Bless You".  Some of those people were wearing flip flops and it couldn't have been more than 30 degrees outside.  So, I have to thank God that I don't have to live on the streets and sleep in the cold or with complete strangers.  I thank God for being there even with those people during their hard time.  I also pray that God will bless those men and women, in whatever way He knows is best.

7. I am thankful for people that love me.  It's one of the best feelings in the world to feel love and know love.  Everyone doesn't get to experience that in his or her lifetime.

8. I am thankful for my students.  I love my students, which in turn allows me to love my job.  Both jobs.  And LOVE just doesn't seem to fit because I have amazing students that mean a great deal to me.  I just think that kids are pretty amazing when you think about it.  They teach me about life everyday.  They teach me about myself everyday.  They make me want to be a better person everyday.  They, of course, make me want to be a better teacher so that they can be smarter and better students.  I adore my students even though they stress me out so bad at times.  I love them for their unique personalities.  I love that they can piss me off one second and warm my heart the next.  I just love those little people. 

9. I thank God for Pastor Blakeney and Pastor McCray.  They deliver excellent messages to me each week---depending on which church I am fortunate enough to attend.  They help me to learn a little more about God and God's love each week.  They give me nourishment from the Bible that I need.  And their love for God and their knowledge in the Word is such a blessing to me and other members of the congregation.  So I thank God for my two pastors and tons of other pastors in the world.

10. I thank God for the little miracles.  I thank God for the green lights that I get when I am running late.  I thank God for that CeCe Winans cd that I recently purchased, that speaks to my core everyday.  I thank God for broken relationships.  I thank God for healed relationships.  I thank God for putting amazing people in my life.  I thank God for removing some people from my life.  I thank God for the opportunity to learn something new each day.  I thank God for people like Ms. Macko who love me just for me.  I thank God for heat.  I thank God for a vehicle.  I thank God for changing my life!  I have so much to be thankful for and I just want to remember to thank God as much as I can for all that he does for me and the people I know and love.  And even the people I don't know and more so for the people I don't love.....lol.  I know that isn't funny.  God wants us to love everyone.  Our enemies, our neighbors, our mother and father, everyone!  So, I take that back.

But I thank God for being God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

LENT SEASON: THANK GOD


It's Lent Season.  I believe Lent is specifically a Catholic tradition but tons of other denominations of Christians apparently celebrate Lent as well.  Lent is the 40 days before Easter where you can add things to your life or cut out some things from you life, to strengthen your relationship with God.  Well, that's my definition of Lent.  It's also the time before Easter, where you can celebrate the fact that Jesus was hung on the cross and died for our sins. 

So anyway, I find that some amazing things can happen during Lent Season.  Last year, it was a great time for me.  So many great things happened for me during that time.  And this year-----it is such a challenge.  I have been dealing with so many things and I just know that God is working on me and about to do some amazing things in my life.  But God will give you trials and tests and tribulations.  All of the before mentioned things will help you to grow and strengthen your relationship with God. 

And so...the purpose of this blog is really just to Thank God in advance for all of the big and little miracles that I am blessed with each day.  I also want to thank God for the miracles that are about to happen in my life.  I know times are hard and sometimes, my situation seems hopeLESS....but there is no such thing when you have God in your life.  God can make a way out of noway. 

What I urge for you (any and every Christian [and non-Christian] person that reads this blog) to do is to try and thank God every hour for 1 thing that He has done for you.  I mean, God blesses us every second and minute that we breath.  But every hour----I am sure God has done one more thing for you---that you can be thankful and grateful for.

Today, I had a training.  I was talking to my friend about it yesterday and I was so damn pessimistic about it.  Like, WHY?  But I said I would much rather be in my classroom with my students.  And sure enough, my training was great.  I had to thank God for giving me such a great experience and giving me an opportunity to learn something new and giving me an opportunity to commune with some people that I wouldn't ordinarily commune with and give me an opportunity to grow as an educator.  In just those few hours, and that first day of training that I gripped about....God showed me that all things are for my good.  And also that I should be optimistic at all times.  What do I really have to complain about? 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

WAGING WAR


I could think of so many analogies that would fit my current situation.....but I will just get straight to the point.  There is a section of my life----where I am so lost and so confused that I don't even see a shimmer of light near the end of the tunnel.  I am so confused....my mind is literally in knots----okay, not literally.  But when I say that I have no understanding of how to even deal with this situation....like....I am so far from a solution that I have decided to say "FucK It".


And honestly, I know that God doesn't want me to be a quitter.  I know that God doesn't want me to give up on 'this' relationship.  I know that there is some devilish powers in full effect right now that are working triple-overtime to keep this relationship from 'forming, healing, and growing'.  But right now----I feel like my only resolve is to walk the fuck away. 


Okay---so I am talking about my relationship with my sister.  And no---I wasnt looking to make a dramatic reveal of who it was that I was talking about.  But I guess I just get tired of talking about my sister and the lack of relationship.  I am sick and tired of it.  I am so frustrated with her and what our 'sisterhood' has come to.  I have started praying for my sister and myself.  I have started to plan out things in my head---of how I can change----how I can be better----how I can work on having a healthy relationship with my little sister.  Things we can start to do together.  Things that I was willing to do to make her happy and meet her right where she is. 

And sure-fucking-enough------------
Each day there has been some shit that pulls me further from her.  And even when I say---I can ignore that!  That is so insignificant!  The devil is hard at work to keep us apart and he is NOT going to win!  This little girl! And that is the nicest term I can apply to her at this moment.  She comes at me with some bullshit!  And it's not even what she says---because I am learning that people can and WILL say whatever the fuck they want; whether I agree with it or not.  But how she talks to me.....OH FUCK NO!  I refuse to continue to deal with her until she works her shit out and learns how to address her older sister like she has even a tiny bit of sense in that head of hers.  Fuck sense, she needs to talk to me like she has some damn respect.  This chick is so fucking quick to start hollering and yelling like her ass in a screaming match or some shit! FOR WHAT?

"Aint nobody got time for that" ~Sweet Brown  

 I am not her child.  I am not even receptive when folks get the screaming and yelling.  What the fuck is wrong with her?  I swear I have no idea and I am not EVEN going to try to figure it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So, maybe in the past I acted in such a way that led her to think that she could just talk to me like I am some shit.  But its a new day!  A new year!  And the old me---she is no longer. 

Anyway, my sister always leaves me in a state of CONFUSION.  One day I am talking about forgiving until you are blue in the face.  And then today-------today-------I want to turn my back and take 1000 steps forward on her ass.  But for now, I have to make a decision to separate from my sister.  I have to stop trying as I was before.  Because she is angry and maybe hurt and her actions show it every time I interact with her.  And if I continue to deal with her in these conditions and at this capacity----I will resent her.  So, I will pray for my sister---- and pray for God to heal her heart ------and move some mountains out of her way------ so that she can learn how to interact with me, without all of the anger, and hostility, and disrespect.


Fingers crossed and hands pressed together!!!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Love as God Loves

I guess so much is going on in my life that I don't even know where this is blog will go.  I am having the best NEW YEAR of my life!!!!! I have been blessed in my work life, my home life, my financial situation---just everything! I would never lead on like life is perfect, because it is far from that. I still have stress hourly, I have issues in some of my relationships, I struggle with self acceptance and tons of other things.  But at this very moment-----I feel like I am on top of the world.

I am just so happy about what God has in store for me.  I am doing things this year that I have never done before.  When you are ready for a change---you have to change yourself.  And I have started to change.  I am re-evaluating relationships.  My attitude.  My relationship with God.  My triggers.  My strengths.  My weaknesses.  My everything!  Any and everything that impacts me and how I relate to and deal with people----how I show up for people-----how people show up for me-----my perceptions of people------I am just working to change all of that.


At both churches that I attend----or that I have been attending in the past couple of weeks-----the messages have been about love.  To just LOVE people---wherever they are.  And for whatever good they have to offer.  Not to hold on to the past or the hurt they caused, but just to love them.  I mean---God loves us unconditionally.  So, why should our love for our brothers and sisters....His other children....not also be unconditional?  Just as people have hurt us in the past.  Let us down.  Kicked us when we were down.  Broke our hearts.  Left us when we needed them.  Stabbed us in the back.  Told our secrets.  Lied to our faces.  Betrayed us.  Just didn't come through.  Hit our weak spots. 
WE HAVE ALSO BEEN ON THE GIVING END OF SOME OF THOSE THINGS!!!! 

No one in life is perfect.  Hopefully we are all striving to be better today than we were yesterday....but we all fall short at moments or periods in our lives.  Just like people have scarred us.  We have scarred people.  Just like we expect to be forgiven for our mistakes----our fuck ups----our accidents----our poor decisions-----we have to return that favor of forgiveness to everyone.  God forgives.  And God taught us to forgive 'seventy times seven'. 

So...in the season of Valentine's Day and what God taught us from day 1....we should learn to love everyone.  Love our friends.  Love our neighbors.  Love our parents.  Love our siblings.  Love our enemies.  Love our supervisors.  Love our children.  Love our neighbor's children.  Love our fellow sinners.  Just love!  Because everyone deserves to be loved. 

Friday, February 8, 2013

THE SINGLE LIFE

So.....as I mentioned in my last post, I have been single now for 2 years, which is the best thing for ME.  Why...you ask?

Well, I didnt really get to experience the single-life in my adulthood.  I was in 3 relationships from 18-26 years of age; pretty much consecutively.  My last real relationship lasted 6 years and it wasn't the best.  So, I didnt get to even experience being single as an adult...as a woman.

So.........after being that attached to one person for such a long period of time, 2 years of being single seems like nothing.  It's taken me this long to get to know myself.  What I like.  What I don't like.  How I like to do things.  How I don't like to do things.  My hobbies.  My passions.  My gifts.  My goals.  Myself!

Before..........I was more concerned and more focused on my girlfriend. And her wants.  Her needs.  Her likes.  Her dislikes.  Her passions.  Her hobbies.  Her!


So, it's been a great journey being a single woman.  And yes, being single has many, many perks.  And being single also has many non-perks? Well, you know what I mean.  I could go down the whole damn list but the biggest thing for me would be having someone to hold at night---or having someone hold me at night.  I am a cuddler.  I like to snuggle up with my woman and smell her and be up her ass and things like that.  I miss the touch and feel of a woman.

But right now....I am thoroughly enjoying my independence.  I am enjoying coming and going as I please.  I enjoy not having to answer to anyone.  Not having to tell anyone what I am doing or where I am---unless I so desire.  I do associate some stresses with being in a relationship.  Not saying a relationship is stressful---but parts of being in a relationship CAN be stressful.  Which is no different from the stresses we experience in non-romantic relationships. 

I am not knocking romantic relationships at all.  I am just saying that I am not ready for one and I am okay not being in one.  Sometimes, its okay to be single.  Its okay to have a closeness with self.  It's okay to get to know who you are and see what all you can contribute to a relationship---when the time comes. 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


Sooooooo...it's been a while.  So much and so little has been going on....so where to begin?

I must admit that this year has been completely amazing thus far!  And it's also been very crazy and part stressful as well. 

Not to go on and on but things with my sister are UUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  I'll have to re-address that isse another time.

My religious beliefs and my spirituality have never been stronger than what they are now.  Part of me is in a place that needs my faith to get me through my day-to-day life.  Another part of me is just so overwhelmed and blessed with what I have---how far I've come----and THANKING God in advance for all that's in store.  So......... I can't be happier about 2013 and what that means for all of the good things that are about to happen in my life in the next 330-some days!!!!

It's so crazy and time really flies but I have been single now since January of 2011----which was 2 years ago.  And so much has transpired since that time.  But one thing I have found is that I have a problem with establishing, mending and maintaining healthy relationships! I think when I broke up with my ex----it did a number on me.  I already had some trust issues but those issues took on a life of their own.  I don't believe in people.  I don't want to get close to people.  And then when I do----I find myself pulling back from them. 

Having said that...I am a work in progress.  I imagine I will be a work in progress until I leave this lovely earth.  While I am striving daily to be a better Christian, a better person, a better teacher, and a better woman----I will always have room for growth and improvement.  But my prayer tonight is that I learn to establish and maintain healthy relationships----when I am ready and open-----to be able to appreciate those relationships.